I'm not mad at you, just myself

posted under , , , by Jasmine Nicole

Dear Self,
You've been talking to this dude since what December, two days before you left for xmas break to be exact. Like most of your male friends, you met him on campus and he's turned out to be no different than the others. When he approached you, you didn't think much of it or him. Hell, when you met him you were on your way to meet your "bff" who as of now you have no communication with. Smh, niggas. Anyway back to dude, as you got back onto campus the new dude hit you up. You tried to keep your guard up and decline his offer to chill but eventually you were convinced. You thought, hey I'm not doing anything else why not? BIG MISTAKE ! When you come face to face with dude again, you realize he's a cutie, and he's from Detroit. Not far from where you rest at. It's almost 2am, so I'll keep this letter short. It's been 5 long months and you're still putting up with new dude. He's not so new anymore but his rudeness that you caught on to since day one hasn't changed a bit. So that's what we'll call him. You and rudeness have a weird relationship, yall aren't together but yall do things that may make you two come off as being together. You've talked to other males and lord knows what he's done with other females.
Then again, he's told you about the one female he's messed with and that's it. If he's talking to other females, why does he keep you around? That's why they call you "good ol faithful" huh? I never understood that joke between him and his friend, but it doesn't matter anymore.
You've said you were done with him on too many occasions, and while you've never ever called him to chill or talk. When he calls, you may hesitate but you end up right back at his place.
That's one thing I never understood, he's so disrespectful and rude..why do you continue to chill with him. His looks don't even matter anymore, because the person he is on the inside, have made him into a ugly person on the outside. A associate of mine, once asked if you loved the nigga. hell no! Is it the sex? You nodded your head yes..hell it has to be. Yes that's what it is, even though your feelings afterwards may not be the most positive, you can't deny that its hard to resist temptation. Is it just sex with him? You usually think so, but the night he hit you up and you told him your monthly was on..he still wanted you to be next to him..told you it's a weird relationship. He shows no emotion, expresses no feeling..but he wants you next to him just because. Lets wrap this up, you haven't talked to rudeness in about 2 weeks maybe longer. You said you were done with him, but he hits you up and once again your not doing anything else...so you accept. You get over there and there's no rudeness but the vibe isn't there. You've made up your mind that nothings going to pop off, and your guard is up. He wants to get close and that's your cue.
You tell him you're leaving and he's not feeling it. That's when he enters rude mode. You leave, he calls, you send him to voicemail, he sends you a text "Stupid ass bitch." You laugh, what else is there to do. You can't be mad at him, only yourself. You allowed and put up with this disrespectful behavior for too long. You may have let him know you wasn't feeling it, but actions speak louder than words and you always ended up back in his arms. So what now? his number isn't in your phone, you deleted it about a month or so ago after a argument that left u in tears. While you don't call him, he calls you and you automatically recognize the number and u answer it anyway. NOT ANYMORE !
He's not even worth it anymore, shit he never was.
schools about to be over and he's graduating..what the hell else is there to say? The whole relationship was a big mistake, and I hope you never put yourself into this situation again.
All you can do is learn and live from the situation.




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